It's 9:17am and I am home alone. We started daycare this morning, both of us together with PJ and all her labeled items: pack of diapers, box of wipes, two sets of extra clothes, a blanket, a pacifier, a bottle of milk. Today is our half day trial before I go back to work tomorrow and daycare is all day, every day. It's a short trial, a quick learning curve. I hope she's ok.
There's a big gap between how I care for my precious angel baby and neglect, I know this. I also know that sometimes I bumble and stumble and don't know what I'm doing. I know they will most likely treat her very well. It just won't be with all the love and awe and joy I/we hold for her. They probably don't realize that the greatest baby ever in the history of the world is having her first day at daycare today.
I am doing chores and will hopefully be ridiculously productive on this my last day before going back to the old 8-4:30 grind. I don't feel completely wrecked, just a mild level of heartache. Mostly I stress because I/we have to be PJ's guardians 24/7. It doesn't matter if we aren't there, if someone else is taking care of her, if we thought everything was going to be alright. When/If something goes wrong, I will feel that failure of my guardianship and her pain or suffering will strike me deep in my heart. I will take it personally and I will freak out. This is the hardest part so far for me: trying to protect her when I'm not around, trying to provide her with a good life full of love and care and fun.
I will pick her up in a few hours and hug her tightly. Tonight we will sing to her and cuddle her and smell her musky baby/milk scented neck. Tomorrow we'll get up and do it all again. I want to relax a bit, but know that I have to be vigilant. I'm one of PJ's protectors. I don't want to be melodramatic, but my anxiety and imagination are just running amok over here. I hope to keep my wits about me, listen to my intuition while also gaining some perspective and calm about this parenting life. Easier said than done I suspect.
3 comments:
Good luck with your 1st day back to work. It's hard - I cried my first day back. But now we've gotten into a routine, and my son seems to love day care! All those other kids to stare at and play with. I sometimes think he gets bored on the days we are home together.
Best of Luck! As a former teacher in an infant room, I can tell you, I really, really, really loved my babies! I still remember so much about them. I hope you get connected with someone who really loves your baby too. Then the worry becomes--"Uhoh, does she like the daycare teacher more than me???????" There's always something!
Hope it goes well!
I think you know a little about where I'm at on this stuff -- I'm not going to lie and say that I felt the same anxieties about daycare that you are expressing (of course, I DID feel a lot of anxiety and guilt over *not* having those anxieties...), but it did take me awhile to trust Cletus' daycare provider. Now, though, she and Cletus have such a close relationship. She has really helped us tp raise Cletus in a significant way, and it's hard to think about leaving her when we move away.
I think it is so hard to listen to your intuition and have perspective when it comes to parenting. If you figure out how to do it, let me know. I think you are doing such a great job. Enjoy your weekend and morning and evening snuggle time.
And just wait until she starts to talk (!) and greets you at the door with a great big "MAMA!!!" when you come to pick her up from day care. It's the best thing ever, I'm telling you.
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