risk

I discovered my little sister's online presence yesterday. It was surreal to read what she wrote because we are not close. We aren't estranged or anything, it's just that she's 13 years younger than me and grew up living with my dad and stepmom. I grew up staying with them four days a month so there's a bit of a chasm between our experiences. We are neutral I think.

Anyway, one of the small things that saddened me is that she doesn't like Radiohead. There were some big things that saddened me as well, but there's not much I can do. She is her own person, one I don't know very well, that I don't even talk that much with. I can't fix her problems or even hug her until she feels better. That side of the family is not touchy feely. Seeing her pictures and reading her entries made me feel a bit sneaky, like I shouldn't have searched under her name. I didn't think I'd find anything really. I wonder if she's found me.

Mostly though I thought about the hairstyles of teenagers today, about how horrible everything seems when you are 16, but also how far away I am from those feelings. Around her I think I try to be cool, but I'm not cool. I don't feel 29 when I'm back at home for the holidays but I am. What must she think of me? But then again what do I think of her? I hope we can be friends eventually, but I'm not entirely sure how that's going to happen. Especially if I don't do anything. Currently I send her birthday and christmas money, and I visit that whole side of the family when I am in town. There has been a few other visits, but they have been awkward and lacking in any emotional revelations or connections.

The one thing I'm thinking I should do when we go to St. Louis in December is be more of myself. I will bring some knitted presents, and I will try not to hide behind my fake smile. You know, that fake smile for when you are just trying to get through the social interaction as easily as possible. Being more unguarded, more of the me I am with my friends, is a risk I should take more often with my blood relatives. The worst that can happen is they'll want me to visit less, right?