I have begun working on a knitted afghan of mitered squares. I'm using mostly acrylic yarn, some with a bit of wool. It'll be machine washable and easy to take care of if an animal pukes or pees on it. My goal is a queen sized blanket for our bed. The colors I'm using are high contrast darks and lights: oatmeal, black, navy, light heathered blue, charcoal, lilac, etc. I'm sure I don't have enough yarn presently, only like 8 skeins, so my colors might change. My cornerstones though are black and oatmeal. My squares of four miters ended up about 13" square so I think I'll aim for a blanket of 6 by 8 squares (of four miters). This will be big and quite a feat. I may have to settle for something smaller.
I'm still working on baby items, but the afghan for myself has been more of a respite than I could have imagined. Simply put, making baby items is not so healthy for me right now. My moods are a bit all over the place right now. The last thing I need is think about having babies even more.
Although damned if I can't figure out what the healthiest thing is for me right now. Do I need a vacation alone to clear my head? Do I need to find a therapist? Is throwing myself into knitting a good distraction or a cop out? I can't seem to cut myself any slack or much for Shannon either. We are going through a patch of something. I don't know what or why or when it'll be over. Is this some sort of growing up thing because when do those stop happening? I'm tired of how I freak out when things change. I guess I'm trying my best, but then again I always feel like I could have done better. I'll just be over here knitting trying to stop thinking about myself...
7 comments:
Unfortunately, growing up things probably never stop happening. I have been having great comfort lately in reading my journal from my last trip to the field, when I was a mere 23. I am so much smarter and better now. Also, I constantly struggle with making myself stop waiting for a destination, as there is not really one, I think. But I keep thinking some day I will be done, and where I am supposed to be and I suspect that is not the way life works.
Also, for some reason your post made me think of this quote from Anne Lamott, that I have really been enjoying lately: "Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a different past".
That is a great quote. It really captures the weird way I do wish things had been different in the past, even though for the most part I like who I am now.
Accepting the lack of a destination (aside from death I guess) is key, I agree. I'm just always astounded by my depth of anxiety about whether or not I'm making the 'right' choices.
At the time of your first field trip, you didn't seem that young, but wow, being 23 seems so long ago. I will have to make a big effort to write you letters since I've gotten so used to this fast electronic communication. I wonder who you'll be on the other side of this trip.
I mentioned to Shannon last night that understanding that a good relationship is one you build and rebuild every day is different than you know, actual doing the work. It is harder sometimes than I could have imagined. A side effect of a long-term relationship, a marraige, whatever, is a new insight into why couples break up.
The colors for your afghan sound all cozy and awesome. I'm sorry the baby thoughts are plaguing you. Don't you DARE make anything for Cletus the Fetus unless you start feeling healthier and happier.
Sometimes I feel like my whole life = "going through a patch of something." And I don't know if it ever stops or if we just learn how to negotiate it better.
Oh I'm already working on stuff for Clet, I just put them aside for a bit. If the next time you come up the Twin Cities, maybe you could come over for dinner or something? Always nice to have a excuse to bake for company.
I've been feeling a bit better. I'm just a bundle of strange emotions all contradicting each other lately.
That comment about a good relationship being something that you build and rebuild every day really strikes home right now. I've been thinking about relationships a lot lately, and what I want this partnership to be, about how we communicate (or don't), about what you gain and what you give up by choosing to be with one person. I don't write about these thoughts very much, but the state of our partnership has been on my mind as we start planning to move.
And gaining insight into why couples break up is right on.
I'm in for dinner and maybe some dog frolicing - we'll probably be up sometime this summer to see the fam!
Erin: This will be your second move with Scott. Is it feeling different than the first one?
I keep noticing how much effort I expend sometimes not to pull away emotionally. We know each other so well, yet I can be scared to share my feelings. Or it can be hard for us to see each other in the present and leave the past out of fights. But if we don't fight fair and maintain intimacy, all the trust and passion dies. It's even harder when you feel bad, but aren't sure why or if it's just you or the relationship itself that's going through something. How do you judge if this is a weird spell or if the relationship isn't meeting all your needs?
Melinda: Yea for dinner and dogs! Although I'm pretty sure our dogs will clobber and/or hump your pug. They are so loving that way.
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