I keep meaning to update my journal, but I've gotten sidetracked every time. Most recently I've been distracted by my mother and her fiance, Jeff, coming to visit. Well actually not coming to visit. Rather, passing through and crashing with us. Which isn't really the same and which leaves me conflicted. On the one hand I'm annoyed that after living here for 2 years she doesn't even come to visit and talk to me and Shannon. You know, relate with her daughter, learn about her life, share, listen, etc. No instead she and Jeff pass through on a motorcycle trip and spend two meals with us and a few hours before they go to bed. That's where the other hand comes in because part of me was overjoyed that her visit was a pseudo visit. That would be the part of me that is confounded everytime she talks to me. I really don't know who my mother is lately, and although I finally approve of one of her boyfriends, I still don't like a lot about her life choices. Well, it's not that I don't like them; more it's just that they boggle my mind. I cannot relate to the person my mom has become since she started dating seriously when I was about 15 or 16.
When I talked to her, she felt so faraway. Like her words were a river carving a canyon between us. The more she babbled on about Jeff and how great he is, was and forever will be, the more she spoke her desires only by using "we" never "I", and the more she described and explained every bad habit of Jeff's daughters, the more I felt like I didn't even need to be there. I was just "the listener", a role that could be filled by anyone. My mom just needs a listener to be properly horrified or sympathetic depending on the melodrama of the day.
I'm know I sound really hard on her. I don't mean to be, I just feel so disconnected from her. She emits all the energy and it overwhelms me completely. I just nod along with what she's saying because if I engage too much, I'll get swept along as well.
Shannon and I thought they be here long enough so we could all go to Victor's (the most amazing Cuban restaurant ever) but they had to take off at like 8:30am in order to get to South Dakota early enough to see the Badlands. So we went by ourselves and it was lovely and chill and quiet. I'm gonna go see where Charlie's Angels 2 is playing. I hope it will not suck.
