It's been a month since I talked about being pregnant explicitedly. We've had two more prenatal appointments (August and September respectively) and everything's going fine. Heartbeat was fine both times. We've had a few questions, not many. I may have felt movement but it was more just weirdness than a recognizable internal poking/moving. There's still not much of a belly, but my pants are all getting tight. We go for the 20 week ultrasound tomorrow. Twenty weeks already, that's like totally halfway done.
I bring this up because lately I've just been really scared about the whole birth and raising a kid. Scared that I won't be able to do it, but knowing that I have to. Scared that I've gone and messed up my life/our lives which I didn't appreciate enough to leave alone. Scared that I have been super naive in thinking I could do this and that it would be fun. I suppose I've just been my normal worrywart self.
The sad revelation is that somehow I thought pregnancy would change my approach, that I would embrace change and new experiences, that I wouldn't be so fearful and anxious, that it wouldn't take weeks and weeks to really sink into my brain. Being pregnant is the biggest risk I've taken in a long time, probably since moving with Shannon to New Mexico. I tend to stay at the first job I get in a new town. I haven't gone back to school since culinary school (which was only semi-serious). No wonder it's freaking me out. I've learned to cope with my quirks by not changing too fast. Forty weeks seems like a speed race.
Perhaps this is why I haven't wanted to write about it. After hearing the heartbeat each visit without fail, I'm left to conclude that this is going to happen, birth and a kid to raise. It's what I've wanted and it's coming soon, approximately 18-20 weeks from now. It's going to be scary and awesome and unimaginable. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.
2 comments:
Though it is 40 weeks total, you may find that the very end drags on. Time seems to twist and bend (for me, at least) during a few very specific times in my life and that was one of them...the final 6 weeks of pregnancy. Toward the end it was very anxiety-producing because the days seemed to speed up all of a sudden, after 5 weeks of taking 2x as long. It's hard to explain. I felt the same way with my first newborn. most of the time was double time...as in very slowwwwwwwwwww. But then after a year it has flown. I think that has something to do with him starting to sleep in larger chunks. (he's 5 now..) Thanks for friending me on Ravelry. I had to come check out your blog. and a belated congratulations! :)
Jesus H. Freakin Crap. I am ashamed at my behind-ness. A VERY belated congratulations.
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