bleh

I was glad making the wedding cake turned out in part because I have not been feeling successful lately. In fact, I have been downright whiney. My failures and inabilities are so clear to me, regardless of how full of self-esteem I try to be. I haven't been reading much. I'm annoyed with the music on my iPod, with the shows on cable tv. All I can finish knitting is socks, nice wooly socks which no one will be able to wear right now. I haven't even been enjoying the dog parks that much. I've got a cloud of dissatisfaction hanging over me for no good reason. I feel like a difficult little kid who's crabby because things aren't exactly how I want.

Some of this is about taking a break from trying to get pregnant. Some of this is about debt/money. Some of this is about approaching 30. None of these issues have easy or quick answers. I understand this rationally but I still wish for quick fixes: to win the lottery, for immaculate conception, for Shannon to be done with vet school already, to plan the next move out west. Looking at all the hard work that fixing my finances will take feels hopeless. Wondering if I'll even be able to get pregnant leads to no good emotional place. And I've only got 18 more months to work on some issues from my 20s that I do not want to carry into my 30s.

I've got to do something this weekend to get out of this selfish, ridiculous headspace. I'm not sure what it will be yet, but I can assert that it will not involve baking.