oh self-discovery, there you are...

Procrastination has been on my mind. Specifically how much time and worry I spend daily avoiding tasks or issues. Rationally I can't understand why I do this to myself. I know I feel better once I just get on with it. I know that no matter how unpleasant a task or issue, waiting around will not improve it. But still I hem and haw and put off. At work, at home, with friends.

In some ways, I have improved. I return messages at work within the same day. I pay my bills on time. I answer the phone much more regularly when my mother calls. But still there are tasks at work, this or that project, that I just do not want to do. I wait until the last possible minute to start and then rush out the product. I put off the dishes at home until they are piled up in and around the sink. Laundry waits until there are no more clean sheets or socks or underwear.

As I thought on this, I realized that part of my issue is with routine. Routine which I always saw as threatening my soul with its crushing regularity, its militaristic monotonity. By shunning any kind of old-fashioned housework ethic or consistent phone calls, I was letting my spontaneity shine. I was doing what I wanted when I wanted. But I don't think I like putting off these tasks. Somes days I would feel productive, but mostly I feel like a slug. Because my dislike of routine has not kept me out of routines, but rather created ones by default. Ones of avoidance and then anxiety. Just like at work. When I buckled down and made myself return phone calls in the afternoon, there was no longer any worrying about it. I just did it.

My fear of regularity or routine did not make my days any more exciting or enjoyable. I'm not that spontaneous anyway. I've got dogs who need regularity and not much money which means cooking and drinking mostly at home. Plus I like to sit and knit and watch tv. If I don't spend a little bit of time every day doing annoying chores, they don't go away. They just pile up so I have to spend a whole weekend catching up. Plus there are things I will just never feel like doing. Like exercising or cleaning the cat bins or flossing my teeth. Yet I should be doing these things.

So I'm going to work on fitting work and play into my daily existence in a much more structured way than before. Unless of course I put off starting this fabulous plan. I'm going to rally against that urge.