crystal ball

My thoughts are always a bit jumbled when I think about my future. I see Shannon there, and I hope to see some kids too. Over the past year and a half, we've talked about kids and where they fit into our lives. We tried some inseminations but no luck. I had to acknowledge how sad I would be if I couldn't get pregnant and if we never had any kids any at all. Not destroyed, but sad and a bit regretful. There have been tears and yelling as well as useful, supportive dialogue. I feel frustrated about waiting to begin, but also that every moment makes us more sure and aware of ourselves. It's been strange having friends grill me about whether or not I'm ready. I try not to be pissed as it seems they assume I haven't thought this over, but I guess they are just trying to be helpful. It's been weird envying heterosexuals during this whole process. How they don't have to pay for sperm and don't need any outside intervention. But then again, I read lots of infertility blogs so I know that there are plenty of straight people out there for whom this is not an easy process either.

I see my desire to have kids as less than a biological clock ticking and more of an area of fascination, of interest. I want to experience pregnancy. I want to know how it feels to have little arms flung around my neck in joyous love. I wonder what being called mama will feel like. Or how beautiful Shannon will look sleeping on the couch with our little baby snuggled on her chest. I want to know how it feels to both fiercly love your child and desperately want it to shut up already.

Part of me feels it's so uncool to want to have babies and stay home to raise them. That I really should have a very fulfilling career that is helping to save the world. That when I'm pregnant, no one will know I'm a lesbian anymore. I really do wonder how my history of depression with intersect with pregnancy and post-pregnancy hormones. I suppose it's just my fear, my voice of doubt. I know having kids will rearrange my whole idea of myself again, and I worry about how I will end up. I don't want to be a woman who loses her name and finds motherhood to be the most satisfying thing ever. I don't want to lose my sexuality, my sense of humor, my ability to talk about things other than poop. But then I can't know how this will change me until I do it. Despite books and blogs and all the reading I have done, for me and Shannon, it will be new and weird and different.

We will not start inseminations again until 2008. It sounds like such a long time to wait, but really I'll just be rounding out my twenties with all the selfish behavior with which I began them. Shannon will be in her last year of vet school. I will have vacation hours saved up, and lots of debt paid off. Maybe nothing will happen. Maybe we'll start adoption procedures once Shannon graduations. Accepting the unknown has never been a strong suit, but I'm just going to try to enjoy the next two years of just me and Shannon, regardless of what comes next.