I'm feeling a little better about money due to lots of figuring on scraps of paper. The busy work and arithmetic helped me through my frantic mood. Once that was past, I could calm down and see how this is all doable. I'm far from homeless/starving poor and it's all gonna be ok. I think my frantic moods are ones that really deferrentiate me from Shannon. I get all angry and loud and hopeless. I overstate problems, reject all solutions and/or hope, plunging to the worst of the worst.
This kind of mood is why I was so upset with Shannon for volunteering this summer I think. I just felt our/my money issues were consuming me and leaving me in the hopeless pit. So when Shannon suggested volunteering for 15-20 hours/week and I began my "we're too poor for volunteering" rant, I was just spewing that all over her. We're not too poor to volunteer. No one is (as Shannon pointed out with some news from NPR).
I just get so wrapped up in money and my lack of it and how that makes me feel. Like I'm not good enough. Like I am entitled to stuff whenever I want, ridiculous amounts of stuff and food and alcohol. Like if I'm feeling needy, I should ignore it and head to Target or go out for lunch. I've been in credit card hell and gotten out. Now I'm apparently going back for more, and still trying to get a handle on my feelings surrounding money. It's so difficult because I try to pay attention but these feelings are deep and instinctual and powerful. I get overwhelmed by them and feel the need to "comfort" myself by whatever means necessary which gets right into my bad coping habits.
Stepping back from it all requires this painfull pull that hurts so much until you pass some invisible apex of pain and then you are free and can see your emotions and let them go. That moment of ripping pain when you can't let go of the emotional moment, when you can almost see how foolish you sound but can't stop, that's the hardest moment for me ever. I get too proud to admit my mistakes as well, too proud to reveal my vulnerability.
One of the hardest parts too dealing with money issues is knowing that they connect to all the larger issues I have with society. I think that connection encourages the overwhelming as well. Knowing that countless other folks can't swim hard enough and drift on by or give up completely. That whole "we are all humans" just freaks me out even more instead of offering some comfort sometimes. Knowing that bad stuff happens to good people all the time because our modern world is harsh and unfair and unrelenting. I feel good to be engaged in politics and the world but it is so much more gut wrenching than just ignoring.
