LJ: career schmareer

Not only does my career not interest me, neither does creating a better career. I wonder if I would really even like my perfect career. Maybe my attitude towards careers would taint even the most perfect fit. Then again, there probably isn't even an end, a fit. Because the perfect career would evolve and challenge and engage and all that. I really do want to run my own business at some point in my life. I think that experience would be just the thing to make me engage in my own career. Whether it's a massage clinic or bakery or midwifery clinic or furniture shop or something else entirely I'm not sure. Wouldn't one of those businesses just be an amazing way to spend your day? Or if Shannon and I really did have a working farm? It just sounds like so much work and fun. I get freaked out by thinking about it too much (as S would attest I'm sure). A life based on using my hands more than my words entices and freaks me. Or what about being a parent? I think I want to do that, and parenting would be the craziest meld of words and actions because just by how I live, I'd be teaching someone else how to live.

At some point during Grinnell or afterwards, I realized that I don't want to live like my parents. Home-owners, same city for most of their adulthood, questing for better furniture, electronics, cars, few friends, lots of stress. I also reconciled within myself that I would have a lot of debt (due to school) and little income. Mostly because I wanted to work just enough to pay my bills and live for other things, for people, for myself. But now my budget is getting all complicated. I make so much more money here than Albuquerque and now I spend so much more. My job ties into this. I can't eat for free since I'm not cooking anymore. I crave fancy coffees and bagels and going out for lunch because they are high points of my boring day. My 40 hr work week has no flexibility in it at all. S is going to be in school forever. Will I be the breadwinner for awhile? Do I really need to be at this job to support us? Having to support one's self is hard. Everyone has totally different opinions about money and tons of baggage. Money sucks.