full disclosure

I haven't been writing much here of substance because I just haven't wanted to talk about what's on my mind. We've started inseminations again, but our plans are not very concrete. We don't have much money saved and don't know how this is going to go. I feel reluctant to put this out there even though I was so stressed waiting to either take a pregnancy test or get my period a few weeks ago. I guess I don't want any sympathy or advice, so I feel I should just avoid the topic completely.

Or maybe I'm tired of talking about wanting a baby or trying to make a baby. I find I have nothing new to say about it. Have I mentioned that I envy women with free sperm supplies? Check. Have I mentioned that I'm still nervous about becoming pregnant? Check. Have I mentioned how frustrating waiting is? Check. I guess I could talk about how I've been trying to acknowledge that this might take another three years. In fact, I might not be able to pregnant without more intervention and that we might elect to spend our money on adoption if that is the case. But that internal work is hard for me to write about while I'm trying to do it. Private writing can help me deal with my fears and anxiety but I keep shying away from my blog.

I guess I'm in the middle of a period of action instead of reflection. I don't want to report every aspect of trying to get pregnant. I'm hoping to get to post that ubiquitous cliched photo of a positive pregnancy test, but for now, the process is not going to get discussed much until then.